dear you:

First off, let me remind you. I'm sorry I'm a creep. haha! Ok, but really. You probably think I'm crazy that I always send you messages that I never truly know if you'll ever receive. 
Secondly, I hope you're reading this. And understand what I'm trying to say to you.


So. I guess I'll start. Remember our theoretical rainbow line? And remember that conversation we had about it? Well, I feel like the cycle is repeating.. And we're losing that connection. And quite honestly, I'll lay it all out in the open, 
I'm beginning to miss it. A lot.
We talked for about half a second tonight. And it made me happy. Our dear friend up north keeps telling me to take my own advice. To talk to you. And I try, I really do.. I just feel like I've lost you. It feels like you've changed. I try to make myself bring up the things in my mind.. but I feel that if I say them out loud {ok.. theoretically "out loud"} then I'll just sound stupid.. and I'm afraid of rejection from you.

I miss our friendship. 
I want to fix things between us. Do you agree? I certainly hope so, because I really don't like where we left everything. Maybe soon we can work this out. Walk it through. Rewind and forget all the hurt. Because I've looked at my actions the last little while, and I realize how it all probably looked to you.. And I don't like that. Because what it looks like isn't at all what it truly is. When you asked me if I wanted to try, and I told you I didn't think I could do it, I'm sure that hurt you. Because now that I think about it, it would have hurt me. And it does hurt me. Because I felt as if my actions did nothing but scream "I'm done. I don't want you anymore." I wasn't. I still did. Maybe I'm still not, and maybe I still do. But obviously we made the decision to be where we are now, and seeing how things are, we'll probably continue with it being that way. 


I just want you to remember that I've never stopped caring. Or worrying about you. I want to take away the hurt I've caused you. And I hope that you'll let me do that.


What do you think?


Love: me.