walls.

there are tears in my eyes right now and quite frankly I'm hurt.

you know when you tell yourself time and time again that you're going to move on, but you never really do? and then you kind of reach that point where you have to move on. not just because you're ready to, but because you're forcing yourself. because the whole situation is making you physically sick. because for 7 long months you gave it your best, and tried so hard for that one person to understand you, and to see what a wonderful thing you both could be. because time after time you convince yourself they mean the things they do and say, and you somehow start to believe. and then maybe, after so much time, you think they really do want to try and give it a second shot. and just when you want to maybe have that conversation, they pull you in close, hold your hand, look you in the eye and say "you know i've been using you." and in that moment you're crushed. you wish you could take back all the laughs, the memories, the happiness. because you gave so much to that person and you truly meant it all, and all you were to them was something to use.

do you know how much that hurts? having somebody look at you, somebody who you really cared about and were coming to love, look you in the eye and straight up tell you they've been using you? it hurts. a lot.

and the tear stains on my cheeks are growing, and the pain in my chest doesn't cease. and all i really want is a hug. that's it. a hug from somebody who loves and cares about me. and all i want is to not be hurt. or maybe i just wish i could put a wall up around my heart. because walls are strong, and if built right, they can do a good job at protecting something so delicate.

because not letting somebody in is a whole lot easier than trying to get them out.

maddi+eric

Maddi asked me if I would take her and Eric's engagements! So yesterday we ventured up to Cedar Mountain, where it was absolutely beautiful. They were so easy to work with, and they are so very in love. I'm so excited for them to be married! Here are a few of my favorites from yesterday :)

slipped.

Isn't that beautiful? I want that for myself, someday. To be so content with whoever it is that you love, that you slip away, never to recover. The just sounds so lovely.

feelings of want.

Feelings of want are some of the hardest to have.

No matter what the situation is, when you want something that you can't have, or that things will never work out to have it be the way you wish, that is so very hard.

Especially when it's a relationship. That is the worst kind of want. When you strive so hard to be with somebody, and you know that it could be such an amazing thing, but time and time again it just doesn't seem to work out. And even when you tell yourself it's for the better, there's still that pang of hurt in your heart.

And then you learn to lay your heart in the hands of the Lord, because you know He will protect you and guide you to the places you need to be. And even though in the back of your mind, that painful wanting of something so sweet is still there, there's a new kind of want. The want of pleasing Him. And that is the sweetest kind of wanting you could have.

drained.

So this is probably the worst way possible to come back into the blogging arena, but I'm emotionally drained and highly unstable.

That 's completely ridiculous once I type it out and read it.

But it's true.

Today is just one of those days where I feel like everything is falling to pieces. I think I'm back to the point of not knowing what I want to do with my life, and it is scaring me to death. I wish things would go the way I wanted them to, but I guess this is just the Lord's way of teaching me to be grateful for what I have.

I think I need to take a little break from life. Not the "I need a vacation" type of break, but more of a "I need to find myself" type of break. Are those dumb? Finding yourself? I don't even know if I'm really "lost," per se.  I think I just need to take a step back and reevaluate my life, the things I value, and most of all my goals.

And just so you all know where I am on the emotional scale, I just burst into full on sobs because a fictional tv cop died from a stab wound.

I'm tellin ya.

It's rough.

crying.

Right now I'm just crying because I've found the most magical things that I absolutely have to have, but I really shouldn't spend money. Somebody mourn with me, please.

and also these:

considering.

At the moment, I'm considering giving up my plans of going into physical therapy.

And slightly considering opening a bakery.

not really, but it would be fun.

I think later in life it might be something I'd take a stab at.

toodles!

life lately.

If you follow on me on instagram, you've most likely already seen these. A few of them are old, but seeing as I haven't blogged in forever, they can count as being new.

I keep telling myself I need to blog, if only as a sort of "journal" for myself.

I suppose this is the start of it. Hopefully I can keep up with it.

Go listen to this. It makes my heart happy.

toodles.