there are tears in my eyes right now and quite frankly I'm hurt.
you know when you tell yourself time and time again that you're going to move on, but you never really do? and then you kind of reach that point where you have to move on. not just because you're ready to, but because you're forcing yourself. because the whole situation is making you physically sick. because for 7 long months you gave it your best, and tried so hard for that one person to understand you, and to see what a wonderful thing you both could be. because time after time you convince yourself they mean the things they do and say, and you somehow start to believe. and then maybe, after so much time, you think they really do want to try and give it a second shot. and just when you want to maybe have that conversation, they pull you in close, hold your hand, look you in the eye and say "you know i've been using you." and in that moment you're crushed. you wish you could take back all the laughs, the memories, the happiness. because you gave so much to that person and you truly meant it all, and all you were to them was something to use.
do you know how much that hurts? having somebody look at you, somebody who you really cared about and were coming to love, look you in the eye and straight up tell you they've been using you? it hurts. a lot.
and the tear stains on my cheeks are growing, and the pain in my chest doesn't cease. and all i really want is a hug. that's it. a hug from somebody who loves and cares about me. and all i want is to not be hurt. or maybe i just wish i could put a wall up around my heart. because walls are strong, and if built right, they can do a good job at protecting something so delicate.
because not letting somebody in is a whole lot easier than trying to get them out.