veeday.

In past years I have been found curled up in my bed, sulking away at the misfortune of having to be surrounded by the billions of LD couples skipping around and feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries. {LD=loveydovey}. I would sob and sulk, and wonder who invented this stupid holiday, and send curses to calendar makers all across the country for putting that microscopic valentines day at the bottom of the 14th, and reminding us all of what we really don't want to remember. OK. Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration.. I never actually cried, or wished misfortunes upon calendar designers. But I did become quite peeved because I hated it so much. I find it quite funny how upset it makes some people.. mainly single females who feel that every misfortune to have ever graced them was caused by some egotistical male who didn't deserve to be walking around. 

This year, I decided to take a new approach. I figured that if I'm going to be single I might as well enjoy it, because I'm not going to hate something that I'm stuck with. Since it seems that the batteries in my relationship meter died while it was on single mode, there's no point in sobbing about it. Although, if I weren't single, I don't exactly know what I'd be doing on this fine evening instead of sitting in my room blogging, stalking the few people on FB who I have a feeling will be engaged by the end of the night, and attempting to study for the sociology test I'm never going to pass. Maybe I'd get dressed up. Go out to dinner. I do know for a fact though that I'd sing this song to my special someone:

 I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand,

I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned.

I won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody.

They wanna push me down, they wanna see you fall down.

I won't tell anybody that you turn my world around,

I won't tell anyone that your voice is my favorite sound.

I won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody.

They wanna see us fall, they wanna see us fall down.

That's just a slight example of what I would do. I don't know. It's not like I sit an daydream about my perfect Valentine's date. I've never had the need to. Maybe I'll look in the mirror and sing that to myself tonight. Then hold my own hand as I drift off to sleep. Solid plan.

Anyway.. moving on.

Everyone always says that Valentine's day is for your "significant other." Fear not. In my sociology class last week we learned that significant others "are the role players with whom we have close personal relationships." Sure, most people interpret that as their better half, but seeing as I don't have one, I decided to give some lovin' to my family and friends. So I made some little cardies, and whipped up some cookies and delivered them. Quite fun it was. 

Always make sure you've got some good tunes to accompany you in the process.

The baby hearts were my favorite. Shout out to Maddi for letting me use her cookie cutter.

Alright. Try to not judge too harshly, for I used store-bought icing.

So, I hope you all had a grand time with your significant other. Whether it be a boyf, girlf...? {is that awkward?}, hubby, wife, family, or just a good friend. I hope it was spectacular. And if you spent your night like I did, I hope you had an enjoyable time FB stalking those lovely couples who you secretly wish, but refuse to admit, you could be like, and hopefully your test studying went well.

Until next year, Happy veeday. (:

I made a wish, but the match never lit.

I was on the phone with a good friend of mine the other night, and we were talking about relationships, and how they can affect you so deeply. I was asking him how it's possible for somebody to just completely turn off their feelings, as if everything that had happened didn't matter to them anymore. What he said, and how my brain interpreted it are probably two completely different things, but this is what I came up with. Sometimes somebody loves and cares about somebody else so much, that the easiest way to leave them is to completely cut himself out of their life. It doesn't make complete sense to me, because quite honestly, it hurts. But in a way it does make things easier. Once you get over the pain that's left, you're able to continue each day, slowly pushing that other person out of your life. And once you think they're completely gone, all it takes is for something so small to make it come rushing back at you, and then you're forced to start all over again. For me, it's the breeze that moves my hair and tickles my ear. A song that comes up on my ipod. Every little thing that happens in my life is a subtle reminder to what I once had, and I envy it. Some days I miss it so much that I'd give almost anything to get back to that. What I had hoped for my future isn't at all what it has turned into. I'm trying so hard not to be, but I know that I'm bitter about the pathways each of our lives have gone. We are parallel lines, we're running in circles, we're never meant to cross. *sigh* It's true. I wish I knew how to fix things, or at least get over them. I tell myself no more complaining. And I do good for a while.. and then I have days like these where I get thinking too much for my own good, and all old feelings are resurfaced and hit me dead on. The Format has been keeping me at peace today. I can relate with their lyrics so well that it calms me. I'm sick of being told to get over it, and what to do with the whole situation. I try, I really do try. I'm sick of being miserable, but I don't know which direction to go, because no matter what there's going to be a flaw. 


I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish by typing this.. I'm sorry. If you've read this you could probably care less about it. So I'll just stop. I'm tired and sick, so this doesn't make much sense to me either. I just needed an outlet.

"I started sending you a note.

Oh, now I hope that you're happy.

I hear you're somewhere in the sand,

and I wish I was an ocean.

Maybe then I'd get to see you again."

Thanks, Mel.

Life has thrown me many curve balls lately.


And the one that was thrown at last week hit me straight in the heart.


My stress levels are through the roof, and it's been taking all the strength I can gather to not completely lose my mind. Thankfully I am blessed with amazing friends who let me cry on their shoulder, and listen to me talk. All I really need is just somebody to listen. I don't necessarily need advice. Just an outlet for all the thoughts bouncing around in my head. Yesterday after Melissa's brother's wedding, I went back to the house that she's been baby sitting 3 little boys at for the past week. We were talking, and the conversation naturally ended in me venting, and her listening. {Thanks, dear.} After I left and had been home for a while, she texted me a scripture. Mosiah 12:5.

Yea, and I will cause that they shall have burdens lashed upon their backs; and they shall be driven before like a dumb ass.

I'm not sure how serious about this scripture she was, because when I first read it I laughed. But, needless to say, I was able to pull a bit of seriousness from it. I know that these stressful situations that I've been going through lately aren't permanent. I just needed a subtle reminder. I know that everything is going to be ok, and that no matter what the outcome of all of it is, it's what is meant to happen. I know I'm still going to lose control of my emotions. That's a given. I cry when it's least expected, and it happens a few times a week. But I'm working on not letting all of it control my life. Some of the things will, others won't. For now I'm just going to concentrate on being the happiest that I can be. I'm going to try to enjoy and make the most out of the next six months, and then just take it all a day at a time. I know that no matter what, everything will be the way it's supposed to.


So thanks, Mel. I love you (:


You da bestest.

I feel so posh right now.

And now I shall continue on with the promised blog post of this past weekend. Get ready. It was crazy.

Friday: Our two beautiful friends Rachel and Berkley were down to run the marathon {you can click on their names to see their blogs about that adventure}. We planned to meet up with them that morning for breakfast! So Melissa and I ventured over to The Egg and I, and had some much missed time with those two.

 Those were their we can't believe we're running a marathon tomorrow faces. Those two are crazy. But I'm so incredibly proud of them and all their hard work! I love them. And miss them.

Anywho. After breakfast, we went home to finish packing, and then hit the road. 

We drove up to Cedar and spent a few hours with with Cody, Sam, Rob, and Tyler. It was a lot of fun. We met their roommates. Heard their stories of college and how Robby exposed himself to the entire apartment complex. Saw their dew collection. Listened to Sam play his guitar and watch him balance his 5 billion bags. Cody clipped his nails. Robby made chili. Cody ate some chips and salsa. You know. Just the usual things you would expect from those boys.

We then continued on our way to Provo. And we saw this gorgeous sunset:

I don't know why, but that's all the pictures I took that day. But once we got to Provo we went to Zuppas with Mary. And then found Michelle. Then Michelle, Melissa, and I went to some intramural flag football thing. Then we drove over to Mike Shepard's apartment and saw him, Kiana Calkins, and Chad. And Mike's crazy roommate Michael. After that we went back to Helaman, and just hung out for the rest of the night. I can't exactly remember. My brain was so tired that it's all just kind of a blur. And now, on to..

Saturday: We slept in. It was glorious. We woke up at... 9:30 I think. The plan was to go do some shopping, and then attempt to watch the last bit of conference. So we arose and went to shower. We got into the bathroom, and Melissa had forgotten something in the room. {Oh. I forgot- we were staying in Alex Halladay's dorm. Both she and her roommate were out of town, so they left us a key.} Anyway, Melissa goes back out to the room. When she comes back into the bathroom, she goes "Al.. You're gonna die." So I turned off my water so I could hear her and asked her what happened. She then says "The magnet fell." The magnet is a trick Alex informed us of - you stick it in the door frame, and it keeps the door from latching shut so you don't have to take your key with you. The bad thing about not taking your key with you is when the magnet falls, you're locked out. Not such a problem when you live there. Major problem when you don't live there, and you're not really supposed to be there. So, long story short: With the help of Michelle and a billion phones calls to get ahold of Alex, we finally were able to get a key to get back into the room. So, after that whole ordeal, we finished getting ready and drove to the mall!

After a long while of shopping, Melissa dropped me off at Chad's apartment, and she went to curl Michelle's hair, and get ready with her and Mary. I met Chad's roommate Bret. Chit-chatted. Twas grand. When it was time for him to go to the priesthood session, Melissa came back to get me. I changed into my newly acquired boots and dress, and the four of us went to this cute little restaurant. Unfortunately I don't remember what it was called. Mary, help?

These were soooo good.

After dinner we walked around to the corner to this spiffy place called SP^RK {you can click on that if you don't believe me about how cool it was.} Essentially what it is, is a fake bar. That serves alcoholic beverages minus the alcohol. They play chill music, like John Mayer. And it makes you feel posh, according to Michelle.(: hah! But it really was so super cool. Here's some pictures of our fun time there:

I was in love with this wall.

And this chandelier.

And this candle.

Here were our drinks! Melissa and Michelle got Double Berry Martinis, Mary got a Pomegron, and I had a Bellini! They were all really good. Melissa got salt all around her rim. I was jealous. But it was really just sugar. Still jealous, though.

And we had a few desserts that were also quite delicious.

She's a neck-nuzzler:

So after dinner we went back to Taylor, and sat around for a few minutes. Brad showed up. That was fun.

Then we went over to j-hall. Where we hung out. And I was instructed to take a picture of this boy whose name I don't even know.

While we were all hanging out it was getting a bit much for my brain to handle. So I went over to Chad's for a little while and hung out with him, Mike, and Kiana. They were trying to avoid Mike's crazy roommate so they snuck out the back window. haha! Then Chad and I just talked for a bit. It was so good. I've missed him a lot. More than I realized, I think. And even though seeing him is making me miss him even more, it makes me happier. Because I know that he's doing well, and that I can still see and talk to him. That sounds silly. I did know that I could still see and talk to him, but this weekend made it seem more realistic. Made me realize that he's not gone. Does that make sense? Anyway. What it boils down to, is that I'm happy.

Then Melissa and Mary came to get me, and we returned to Taylor for a bit, then Melissa and I went back to "our" dorm, and fell asleep. Ah. It was much needed. I was exhausted. And then came...

Sunday: We were planning on waking up early to go say goodbye to Mary and Michelle. They were going up to conference with Brad and a few of their friends, and we weren't sure if we were going to get to see them again before we left. But, obviously, we slept past their departure time. So that never happened. But we woke up at 10:30 and watched conference. After that we got ready, and drove to West Jordan to visit Melissa's Aunt/Uncle/Cousins. We ate dinner/lunch... Linner with them and watched the second half of conference. After that we talked, and then drove to her brother and sister-in-law's new apartment. Stayed there for like 10 minutes, and then left for STG. 

While we were passing by BYU, the song LoveGame by the infamous GaGa came on. "I wanna kiss you. But if I do, then I might miss you babe." We looked at each other and both laughed at the irony. And oh, how true it is. And as I stared at the Y on the hill, my throat tightened up, and I had to choke back the tears of how much I'm missing you, and everyone else. I think I can handle it better this time. Even though a bit more confusion was created, a bit more was cleared up as well. I know I still have everyone in my life, and that I'll see them all again soon. Some within a week. It's just that goodbyes are always hard. So I try to remember them as "see-you-laters."

Anywho. Enough of my sappiness. Forgive me, please. We got home last night about 11:30. gah. I was so stinking tired. I slept like a baby. And then I was awoken around 4:30 by the most beautiful sounds of rain and thunder, paired with lightening. I know that everybody says they love the rain, but I really do. It makes me feel at peace, and so happy. 

And so, to make this happy feeling last, I'm wearing these awesome socks:

And eating this grand orange roll:

 I'm also listening to a new artist I just discovered. Her name is  Stacy Clark. My favorite song of the moment is called Touch and Go. Listen to it. I'm commanding you to.

As if all of this wasn't enough for my to be on a happy-high for a while, I discovered this:

 That's four days of pure bliss, right there. *sigh* I'm so content right now. If you've made it this far, I congratulate you. You probably deserve an award of some kind. I hope you're not bored. But thanks for reading about my amazing weekend. (: 

I hope life is treating you well. And if you're feeling down, connect with an old friend, or find something to make you happy, k?

Love you all.

spice it up.

I need some spice in my life. Because it's quite boring at the moment. Actually, let me rephrase that. Extremely boring. *sigh*

I need something to look forward to. And for now, it's definitely not work or school. {I found this fitting.}

And so,

-I've been craving of taking somebody's pictures.

-I'm stoked to be going to Provo this weekend.

Melissa and I are way awesome, so you all better watch out. You should especially fear our rapping skills.

-My room literally looks like a bomb went off.

-Melissa just texted me. She wants a boyfriend. And I do too. ha! Because being each other's boyfriends really just isn't cutting it.

-Mary Dawn.. Did you get my letter?? Also. I'm excited to give you your present. You're going to love it. A lot.

-Maddi and I learned hottie-tottie's name. It's Grant. Cute, huh?

-We've also gotten to be really good at Plants Vs. Zombies and Diner Dash in the book store. Looks like they're going to be seeing a whole lot of us during our free time.

-I reeaaally don't want to go to work. Gross.

I'm missing something. I'm just not so sure what. I know it's a person though. Or maybe the feeling of wanting a person. My brain is just confusing me. So you can just ignore that I said any of that.

ok, bye.

Sometimes,

{say sometimes in front of these. I didn't feel like typing it before every sentence.}

I crave chocolate milk. And mix up a 32 ounce bottle of it. And drink it till I'm sick.

I have a rough week. Where I have random times that I break down crying.

I really miss my friends, and wish that they could come home.

I wish I knew where my life was going. Because I'm sick of feeling like I'm going nowhere.

I wish the stress could go away.

I wish my happy days could return. Because lately I've had a dark cloud looming over my head.

I miss you a lot and just want to talk to you.

I want to quit school.

I get sick of being sick. I want ears and a head that feel normal.



Sometimes I wish I knew what I wanted. But after I make a big list of what I think I want, I really don't know if that's what it is. So here's to figuring out life, and attempting to be happy. Let's hope for brighter days (:

breakthrough.

You are delicious.
That's what I told my hair yesterday after having it trimmed. Really, though. It's such a great feeling. It smells so, so good. It feels amazing. And it's healthy. That's more than I could ask for. Healthy hair means a happy Alex. Plus, it's growing! That's even more cause for celebration. (:


Also, I'm beginning to accept myself.
Alright. I know that sounds silly. But I've always had some pretty bad self-esteem issues.. and it's probably been the worst it's ever been during these past few months. 
I'm not skinny enough. 
I'm not pretty enough.
I have an ugly laugh.
Chubby arms.
And ugly toes.
You  name it, I can find something that I don't like about it. When I look in the mirror, I see something completely different than everyone around me sees. Now, I'm not asking for sympathy and comments. Don't give them. haha! That's not the point of this. A while ago, I read this post on this boy's blog. After reading it, I started to realize that this was what the few people who knew about my self esteem issues were trying to tell me. That I was fine the way I was. I always used to cry and whine to one person in particular, when one day he told me 

     "beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and    you can't behold yourself. I say you're        beautiful, so what I say goes."

Or something to that effect. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I've had a sort of breakthrough. Tonight while I was watching ANTM with my mom, there was one girl who was just so skinny. The judges told her that they didn't like the message that she would be sending to young girls, and so they sent her home. When I first saw her body, I thought "oh man. what I would give.." And then as I listened to the things that were said towards her, and how she told them she was fine, I realized that she sounded crazy. And that I must, too. 

It's still going to take quite a bit of time before I'm completely happy with who I am, but I'm getting there. I don't need to starve myself to be happy. I just want to be healthy. That is one of the few things that I want for myself: I want to be happy. Because given everything that's going on in my life, I need a little bit of happy here and there. I want to look in the mirror and say you are delicious. And I don't want to say it to just my hair. To all of me. (: I know it's a funny little thing to say. But it makes me feel happy. And to know that I love myself will bring me happiness to last a lifetime.

So here's to you and me. let's be happy and delicious together.  

5 Things.

1: I'm happy. 

When I woke up this morning, I realized: I'm finally over you. 

It's an exhilarating feeling. I really quite like it. 

2: I like my bangs today.

It's a rare thing when I like my bangs.

So here's a pic. Sorry I'm making a hideous face.

3: I love this girl.

And guess what? We're going to Alaska together.

For 5 months. It's gonna be a party.

4: My grandpa is a hoot.

He told me a really funny joke yesterday.

It went like this:

{It's best if you say it out loud}

Wanna know how to catch a polar bear?

How?

You cut a hole in the ice, and put peas around the edge.

Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea,

you kick him in the ice-hole.

hahahahha! He's so funny.

5: My fingers hurt.

And taste like blood. All the time.

It's gross. I'm sick of all this pricking.

Hopefully it won't continue for too long..

But until then. I'll deal with sore fingertips. (:

one. two. brownies. wedding.

{Two}
 That's the number of emotional breakdowns I've had today.


But it's ok. I'm doing better now.
I went to work this morning. And I could feel a beast growing in my head. I took some advil to calm it, but obviously it didn't do enough. When I got home and had Emotional Breakdown Number One, which was when my throbbing headache quickly escalated into a migraine. So I climbed into my bed {still in my work clothes} and slept for a solid four hours. I then awoke. With my headache still hanging on for dear life. It's still here. But it's better than what it was. Getting worse though.


Anywho. I had Emotional Breakdown Number Two when I took some pictures over to a family friend's house. So I then ventured back home, where I am now. And I decided I was going to make some brownies. So I began. And then realized we had no eggs. I almost cried. But then I gave up. So, this is how far I got:

Some melted butter.

Some flour.

And a greased pan.

That's as far as I got. At least I tried, right?
*sigh* I don't really want to go to work tomorrow.. bleh. Oh well. I need the money. But Wednesday morning Chad and I are leaving for Park City!! I'm SOOOO excited! It's gonna be a good week.


Also. Melissa's brother Jaden got married to Tiffany this weekend!! Ah. I loved their reception. You can check out Melissa's blog. She talked about it. Here's a few of the pics I took..

She's really pretty.

And he was my wedding buddy.

We drank Italian sodas together.
'Twas swell.

It was a super good wedding. I quite enjoyed myself. (:

And now guess what I'm doing?

Eating some cinnamon toast crunch.

I had to feed my sugar craving one way or another!

ok. Now I'm going to sleep.