walls.

there are tears in my eyes right now and quite frankly I'm hurt.

you know when you tell yourself time and time again that you're going to move on, but you never really do? and then you kind of reach that point where you have to move on. not just because you're ready to, but because you're forcing yourself. because the whole situation is making you physically sick. because for 7 long months you gave it your best, and tried so hard for that one person to understand you, and to see what a wonderful thing you both could be. because time after time you convince yourself they mean the things they do and say, and you somehow start to believe. and then maybe, after so much time, you think they really do want to try and give it a second shot. and just when you want to maybe have that conversation, they pull you in close, hold your hand, look you in the eye and say "you know i've been using you." and in that moment you're crushed. you wish you could take back all the laughs, the memories, the happiness. because you gave so much to that person and you truly meant it all, and all you were to them was something to use.

do you know how much that hurts? having somebody look at you, somebody who you really cared about and were coming to love, look you in the eye and straight up tell you they've been using you? it hurts. a lot.

and the tear stains on my cheeks are growing, and the pain in my chest doesn't cease. and all i really want is a hug. that's it. a hug from somebody who loves and cares about me. and all i want is to not be hurt. or maybe i just wish i could put a wall up around my heart. because walls are strong, and if built right, they can do a good job at protecting something so delicate.

because not letting somebody in is a whole lot easier than trying to get them out.

maddi+eric

Maddi asked me if I would take her and Eric's engagements! So yesterday we ventured up to Cedar Mountain, where it was absolutely beautiful. They were so easy to work with, and they are so very in love. I'm so excited for them to be married! Here are a few of my favorites from yesterday :)

slipped.

Isn't that beautiful? I want that for myself, someday. To be so content with whoever it is that you love, that you slip away, never to recover. The just sounds so lovely.

feelings of want.

Feelings of want are some of the hardest to have.

No matter what the situation is, when you want something that you can't have, or that things will never work out to have it be the way you wish, that is so very hard.

Especially when it's a relationship. That is the worst kind of want. When you strive so hard to be with somebody, and you know that it could be such an amazing thing, but time and time again it just doesn't seem to work out. And even when you tell yourself it's for the better, there's still that pang of hurt in your heart.

And then you learn to lay your heart in the hands of the Lord, because you know He will protect you and guide you to the places you need to be. And even though in the back of your mind, that painful wanting of something so sweet is still there, there's a new kind of want. The want of pleasing Him. And that is the sweetest kind of wanting you could have.

drained.

So this is probably the worst way possible to come back into the blogging arena, but I'm emotionally drained and highly unstable.

That 's completely ridiculous once I type it out and read it.

But it's true.

Today is just one of those days where I feel like everything is falling to pieces. I think I'm back to the point of not knowing what I want to do with my life, and it is scaring me to death. I wish things would go the way I wanted them to, but I guess this is just the Lord's way of teaching me to be grateful for what I have.

I think I need to take a little break from life. Not the "I need a vacation" type of break, but more of a "I need to find myself" type of break. Are those dumb? Finding yourself? I don't even know if I'm really "lost," per se.  I think I just need to take a step back and reevaluate my life, the things I value, and most of all my goals.

And just so you all know where I am on the emotional scale, I just burst into full on sobs because a fictional tv cop died from a stab wound.

I'm tellin ya.

It's rough.

crying.

Right now I'm just crying because I've found the most magical things that I absolutely have to have, but I really shouldn't spend money. Somebody mourn with me, please.

and also these:

considering.

At the moment, I'm considering giving up my plans of going into physical therapy.

And slightly considering opening a bakery.

not really, but it would be fun.

I think later in life it might be something I'd take a stab at.

toodles!

life lately.

If you follow on me on instagram, you've most likely already seen these. A few of them are old, but seeing as I haven't blogged in forever, they can count as being new.

I keep telling myself I need to blog, if only as a sort of "journal" for myself.

I suppose this is the start of it. Hopefully I can keep up with it.

Go listen to this. It makes my heart happy.

toodles.

rawr.

I suppose it's time for my semi-annual blog post.


ha. I'm so funny. 


Welp. Christmas is almost here and I think I'm done with my shopping...? I hope. Because I'm sick of fighting these crowds of coupon-clipping mommies with their wicked awesome parking spot stealing skillz. yes. 
With a Z.


It's good to be having a break from school. I was two seconds from dropping out. I would have later regretted it. But the satisfaction that would have came from it would have trumped all, I believe.


I've been taking quite a few pictures lately, and that's a good feeling. People think I'm semi-decent I suppose.


My nephews have dubbed me as "number one favorite aunt... but you're tied with our other aunt." haha. Love them.


Friends! You're in town, I know it. I just do. So stop hiding and call me and let's have fun together.


Melissa comes home tomorrow. For good this time, people. For good.


Well. Seeing that I have to be up in 6 hours to take Tracy into surgery, I best be off to sleep. Maybe I'll be a mean daughter and film him while he's incoherent. hahaha. I can only imagine.






Welp... this post was super lame, and I'm most likely delete it come morning.

Peace and blessings.

remember me?

Hi, blog. It's me. Do you remember me? I kind of made you.. and used to post semi-whitty and often serious things on you. But then life came along, and I didn't feel like sharing my words with the world. It's nothing against you personally. It's just that the only things I ever had to say were whiney, and I didn't want everyone thinking I only knew how to complain. 


I just woke up from my nap, and I realized: I kind of miss writing. I know, I know. Call me crazy. But there's much going on, and I kind of want to let my fellow friends back in on my life. So. I guess here's the start back to old habits. Some old habits can be good habits, right? Maddi told me the other day that I needed to start blogging again, so I guess this is partially for her. I've decided that posting videos from youtube and writing one measly sentence can't be considered a real post.


Here's a list of potential future blog posts. This is mainly for me, to remember what's going on in my life:


-Dylan and the boys lived at my house for.. almost 9 months. Can you believe I never mentioned that? And now they're gone. I miss them.
-My dog died. And then came back to life. And I love him more than ever now.
-My reputation as cat woman has exploded.
-I do believe the world feels bad for me, because I have gone on quite a few blind dates.
-And guess what? One of those turned out very well. And he's quite the cutie. Props to Maddison for that one.
-Dixie is back in session. I actually like this semester. yeah, yeah. I know. That's a shocker.
-Speaking of school, I think I'm much much closer to choosing what I want to be when I grow up. Go me!
-Jeff might be home for good by Christmas. YAY!!! Maybe even Thanksgiving. Double yay!!
-In 25 days I will be back in New York in my best friend's arms.


That's all the exciting news I have for now. I've gotta go paint my nails and get ready for my date. Ooh lala. (: Also. I need to get these cramps under control. Not even lortab can tame them today. Hopefully I'm not completely incoherent for tonight. That'll be cute.

toodles.

cayoot.

Go ahead.
Take a gander at my new favorite website.
You will love it.

You're welcome.

Thank you, Michelle.

For introducing me to this amazing band.

This is my new favorite song. It's a beauty.

look where we are.

Like everyone else, I have memories of this day ten years ago. I remember not fully understanding it, but still knowing that it was history in the making. The one thing that I did understand was that my brother would be going to war. For a child, that's scary. I was 9 the first time he deployed. He never made it overseas. They brought them back home, and even though I was so young, I was so relieved. 


The second time he was deployed I was 12. I remember I was sitting in my room, looking out my front window when my mom came in and told me. I had the worst feeling in my stomach, and I immediately started crying. He served in Kuwait for 18 months, and the day he returned home was one of the happiest of my life. 


And now he's gone again. He's been gone for just over three months. It's still so scary not knowing what will happen, but now that I'm older I think I have a better idea of it all. I love him so much, and am so grateful for everything he has done for this country. He, as well as so many other service men and women, has put his life on hold to serve our country.


My heart goes out to the families who lost loved ones ten years ago, and to all of the service families who sacrifice so much for our freedom. It's not easy having a loved one gone, and not knowing if you'll ever see or hear from them again, but it makes you so proud of all they're doing. I'm proud to be an American, and I love this country. 


Thanks, Jeff. I love you so so much! And I can't wait to see you!

bamf.

You wish you could look as cute as I do when you study.

It takes quite a bit of effort.

In other news, my brain has been storming, and I have a few posts up my sleeve. I feel bad that I don't blog as much any more. Not necessarily because of my followers not having anything to read, because I don't have many people who really care. Although, I do greatly appreciate the few of you who read my blog. I just feel bad, because it's my way of writing things down in my life. Because my journal keeping habits = pft. 

Anywho. School is bueno. I met a cute boy. Yep.

My dear friend,

  
       I cannot say with certainty that I know who you are, but I can say that I have an idea. Words cannot express how thankful I am for the act of kindness you have given me. As I walked to the mail today, your gift was the last thing I expected to find. 
   I found myself at home crying as I read and re-read your letter, overwhelmed with the love you have shown me. Your Christ like act has given me the strength to continue, and the comfort of knowing everything is going to be alright. As I sit in my room right now writing this, praying that you will see it, my eyes are filled with tears and my heart is full. I know it probably wasn't much for you to do, but for me it meant the world.
   Thank you for your comforting words and testimony you have shared. You have helped to remind me that He is always there for me, and all I need to do is to lean on Him for help. In my darkest time, you brought me a peace I have been searching for, and I cannot thank you enough.
   Although I may never know for sure who you are, I want you to know that I do love you, and wish I could thank you in person for the help, comfort, and strength you have given me. Thank you again, so very much. You are quite an amazing girl.

Love, Al.

This is it.

I just found this on pinterest. 
It's what's going to be playing in my head on repeat for the next few months.
I need a reminder that I can do this.
The days when I can't help but cry and feel like I'm going crazy, I'll just tell myself things will get better.

talent.

Lately, one of my missionary friends and I have been talking quite a bit about talent in our letters- developing new ones, and progressing with the ones we have. It's been very interesting. I found this quote on pinterest, and I immediately fell in love. It runs through my head all the time.

Isn't is great? 

ride, ride, ride that pony.

Get up and ride that big fat pony.

Ride, ride, ride that pony.

This is how we do it:

front to front to front, my baby.

back to back to back, my baby.

side to side to side, my baby.

This is how we do it...

As fun as it would be, this post is unfortunately not dedicated to past years of girls' camp. Now dry your tears and put on your big girl panties. Maybe one day I'll write about that. But for now, tis not the case.

We all know that the city of STG is extremely good at knowing how to spend their extra change. *coughthreehundredthousanddollarscough* What? No. I'm not bitter. I fully embrace the newly added carousel to the middle of town, as does Maddison. We had been counting down its arrival, and the moment it opened we couldn't wait to get our buns on over there and hop onto the creepy, yet beau-tea-ful ponies. 

The first time we went, we got there an hour after it had closed. We cried and cried. And then we wiped away our angel tears and decided to carry on. We chose which ponies we wanted for the next time we would return. Maddi chose one with a crazy mane that looked more like a mohawk than anything. I chose the jester horse. Good decisions those were, by the way. 

When we finally made our way over a week or two later, Maddi knew the boy operating the fun filled ride, so he gave us the child price. We got two rides for the price of one, which was exciting because we were able to choose two horses. Maddi's: merhorse. Part mermaid, part horse. Mine: roses, lions with wings, and baby cherub wrapped in a blankie on the horsie's bum. Twas great.

Anywho. That was just one of the many dates that Maddison and I have been on. We love each other's company. And we're just too darn funny. I don't understand how more people don't want to hang out with us. 

In further news, that post down there {insert downward arrow} about the one worded letter ended up being a big fat joke. Don't worry. I chewed that little missionarie's butt about how funny it wasn't. 

Also, I got to talk to my brother!! He's in Kuwait. Love that guy.

Peace&blessings

love: al.

one word.

Uhuh.




What do you do when that's the only word written in the letter from a missionary you've been anticipating to hear back from?




You stress and wonder what you've done wrong.

fact. {plural}

• It's been almost a month since I last blogged. That is far too long, and it's making me feel unfaithful to myself.
• Remember this? They're back with vengeance, and I do believe I'm going to die. I'm willing to try anything, so if any of you ladies out there have a suggestion, I'm willing to take it. 
• Vegas with your mother is a good way to spend a Friday. New clothes are always welcomed with open arms and a thankful closet.
• Today I discovered I have a real life connection to this lovely blogger that I've always wanted to meet. Who would've thought.
• Back to bullet number two. Mel... I'm having my lady parts removed. I hope you're still up for being a surrogate. kthanks.
• Ice cream and a movie with your favorite cousin is always a blast.
• I miss Jeff.
• Breckan tells me all the time who I love, and why I'm going to marry him. For the mean time I'll believe he can read into the future, for it truly is what I want. We'll have to wait a few years to see if his prediction comes true.

Hopefully I'll be back soon, with something more than a list. This is all I could warm my fingers up to, so it will have to suffice.